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I Want to Tell You MoreSeptember 14 InspirationI wonder if you have any idea of how much I think of you. I miss you and I am so grateful that when I come here, I have messages from you. What in the h*ll would I have done without you over the past two (three?) years? You are as real to me as my friends that I can see. I can see you, too...not your faces or bodies, perhaps, but your souls. Your emotions and your hearts. I cherish that. I cherish you.
I've been re-reading and editing "I Want to Tell You," the blog that I wrote when I met you. The portion of it that tells my original story. It moves me to see evidence of you in what I wrote. Your acceptance and support of me. Of course, it puts my first love in my mind, too, which is weird. Especially since our 29th anniversary would have been last Sunday. I told a friend that and she cracked up. She was like, "So, Kim...what about your cousin's friend's brother's first birthday? Or your neighbor's twin's sister's anniversary?" I know, I know. I do hold dates and anniversaries a little close. But, that's just me.
Zach is great. G-R-E-A-T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're getting some "Da-da"s and "Ma-ma"s, although he has no idea what he's saying. That's alright with me!! He knows we love it and so he keeps it up. Pretty soon, he'll be able to associate the words with us, but 'til then, I love just hearing the occasional "Ma-ma." The feeling it gives me is HUGE warm-excitement in my heart. LOVE.
He has his first tooth. We were at the beachhouse when it came through. I was so excited that I jumped all over the house! And he sat up for the first time on 8/22. My little bear is just growing, growing, growing. I'll include a pic or two from recent jaunts.
Kerry has become an excellent father. He loves his little "Boogie." That's what he calls him. Zach gets so excited when I sing the 70's "Boogie-Oogie-Oogie." The family thing is rightly cool. :)
Well, I'm off. I want to try and visit a bit, so if I'm gonna accomplish writing here AND visiting, I'd best get to it! Zach will only allow very small increments of Kim-time at one time.
Love to you, my friends and inspiration.
Kim July 14 Adventures in Parenthood (Picture Buying)A million frames. That's what we bought tonight. For the million pictures that we bought of Zach. I swear, they soooo know how to get new parents. I mean, seriously! We spent like $220.00 on pictures. Do we really need that many? Uh, no! But we couldn't resist. There were so many shots that were adorable. We had "sucker" written all over our foreheads. Oh well, he'll never be 6-months again, so why not?!
The girl that was giving us the pitch on this deal or that deal or the other suggested that we might want extras because she was sure that our parents would want some. There I was, staring at my son's adorable-ness, and suddenly I felt like I'd been punched. Poor girl didn't know. It's just reality and that's the way it is. But I felt sad after that. And I hated that I was allowing such a joyful occasion to become a sad one. "Allow." Isn't that a funny word when it's associated with grief...as if there is any control?! I didn't ruin the occasion. I just felt what I felt. Sadness AND joy. Who knew one could feel those simultaneously?
Anyway, I miss her. Deeply. Sometimes it feels as though I'm learning about it for the first time. It is still that stunning to me at times. My Mom was such a part of my everyday that my mind is still reeling, I suppose. I feel as though our minds will not allow that kind of information in all at once. It's just too much, too sad, too life-altering. Too heartbreaking. It's a physical pain sometimes. I mean, not really a pain in my body...but I can feel the emotional pain in my heart.
I do feel her sometimes, though. And that is nice. I dreamed about both my Mom and my Dad the other night and it was a very happy dream. A feel-good dream. I don't remember much about it, but I do remember waking up feeling good that I got to see them. I think maybe they were visiting me through my dream. Kinda cool that they came together.
Have I mentioned lately how much I love BEING a Mom? Zach is asleep right now in my arms as I am typing...Trust me, that wasn't an easy trick getting him, me, and the laptop in the right position. But we did it and now I have this miracle in my arms. The peace on his face makes me happy. His breath on my arm is warm enough to feel through my sleeve. I love this little guy with all of my heart, mind, body, and soul. Just as my Mom loved me. And the circle keeps on going 'round.
Zach found his "pee-pee" the other night. Lord have mercy. Here we go, huh? :)
Love to you and you and you and you and always,
Kim July 13 TimeIt used to be that whenever I wanted to write, I'd just get on here and write. True, I strayed away for a good while...Getting out the habit is easy. I'm out of the habit now. But even if I had the urge, there is so little time to do this right now. For that reason, I decided to come on today and say goodbye. But when I logged on (or tried to...more on that later), I realized, again, how much I missed having my own little Space in the world to come to. I am just sorry that I don't come more often.
When I tried to sign in, I didn't remember my login name! It took me awhile of typing the wrong thing, but God whispered it in my ear. Whew!
So, despite my best efforts in March, I am again inconsistent at best. But I don't want to say goodbye. Had enough of those lately. So, I won't.
I always think about you.
Love,
Kim May 13 MotherToday was bittersweet as I expected it to be. I was cruising along pretty well, riding high from the dozen red roses that Kerry surprised me with this morning...and two cards. One from Zach, one from him. Very sweet. My first Mother's Day present was a garnet ring. Two garnets, each a triangle. Touching backs, but offset to indicate a different direction for each. One is my Mother. One is Zach. Both of their birthstones are garnet. Kerry wanted me to pick out my own gift this year, so that's what I found. I love it. It's simple and beautiful. But the meaning it carries is comforting.
Somewhere between the riding high and reaching the cemetery to visit my Mom, I got twisted up inside. I talked with my mother-in-law and it sort of started after that. I don't know exactly what was bothering me. I tried to figure it out for a bit, but then I realized that the most likely thing was just being sad. Sadness did not take me over, and I am grateful. But sadness was a part of this day and I think it just was determined to make its presence known. And that's alright. I'm grateful that I can feel my feelings today. That's kinda the point of abstinence from compulsive overeating...to be able to feel what I authentically feel! And then to gain freedom from the living through it.
So, Zach and I went to visit Mom. I took her two bunches of flowers and laid them on the ground. The marker has not yet arrived, so there is no vase yet. The flowers looked kinda pretty strewn about that way. Mostly white ones, daisies and carnations. A tulip and an orchid. But there were two red roses in the bunch. I told her that those were me and my brother. Our hearts that love her so. I got ready to go and I leaned down to kiss the middle of the flowers. I stood up and then the tears came. They overtook me for a few minutes, but that was alright. I stood there and cried.
I'd noticed a Mom and Dad visiting a grave near my Mom's when I first arrived. We neither spoke nor had direct eye contact. But there was a reverence shared in that space together. I felt them look over at me as I'm sure they felt my gaze. I'd decided they must be a Mom and Dad because the marker they were touching and looking at had a local high school flag on it. There was also a college flag. The Dad got a phone call and walked away to take the call. The Mom sat on a bench near her child, with her tissue in her hand. I watched her a bit (her back was to me) and felt sad for her. She wiped away tears now and then and sat quietly.
One thing about my Mom that I should tell you before I continue this story is that in her later years, she'd become the neighborhood watch team, all on her own. She loved to watch everyone in the neighborhood through her curtains...and everyday or so, we'd hear an update on what each family was up to. How this dog or that was left out overnight and how she was worried about him/her. Who didn't come home all night or who had a "strange car" spend the night. She laugh at herself about it, knowing it was a "little old lady" thing to do, but she just loved it.
Well, after the Mom and Dad left, curiosity got the best of me, so I went over and read the marker. It was for their 18 year old son. He died in November 2006, so this was Mom's first Mother's Day without him. I felt so connected to that woman in that moment. My first Mother's Day without my Mom. But it reached me deeply. It made me think of the reality that tragedies like that do happen; they happened in my own family. Across the pond from her son lie my half-brother and two step-sisters, who were killed when my father's house burned down in 1978.
I walked back over to Mom's space and it hit me. Like mother, like daughter. Nosey! I had to laugh and I felt her laughing with me. It felt good to leave on that note.
When I got home, I googled the name on the marker and found that their son died by falling off of a balcony at college. They are investigating to determine if it was a hazing incident (it was during a party for the fraternity that he was pledging). I couldn't imagine the pain those two people felt the morning that they received that phone call. And it made me grateful for the years that I had my Mother. It made me grateful that she did not have to endure the death of either of her children. I'd seen my father go through that and it was horrible.
Anyway, I spent quite awhile reading about this young man. He was 18 and had been quite the athlete. Captain of the football and lacrosse teams. President of this or that or the other thing. Just a really good kid. Anyway, since I was bordering on stalker-hood, I decided to close up shop on that and write in here instead.
The connection that I felt with that woman, though, made me think more seriously about perhaps finding a grief recovery group. I've even thought tonight about getting my MSW and doing grief work with people. I think it's something that I would be good at. And maybe even writing a book about it. I don't know. We'll see...but I felt directed to those ideas tonight.
My Zach gave his Mommy some serious joy at the cemetery. When we came in, there were these guys handing out carnations to the women for Mother's Day. Since I'd put the two bouquets on Mom's grave, I swung around and laid the carnation on Dad's grave. (You know they are across the pond from one another, right?) It felt good. When I was getting back into the car, I nuzzled down to give Zach a kiss and the look in his eyes was love. He is my today and my future. He is my son and I am filled with certain joy about all that is yet to come.
Okay. Rambling done. Time for a little "Friends" and Sudoku before bed. It's my nighttime ritual and I'm loving it.
I love you.
Kim May 05 May 5thToday is my niece's birthday. She's a sweetheart. I can't believe how quickly she's growing up. When Kerry and I first started dating, she drew a picture of an angel for me, Uncle Kerry's girlfriend. I hung it in my cube at work and always felt good when I looked at it. A year or so later, her Mom and Dad got divorced. She was about 9 years old then, the age that I was when my parents split. My heart just broke for her. I spent some time with her, then. Just us. She didn't talk much about it, but I wanted her to know that I cared about her. She's 14 today. 14! I can't believe it. I fell in love for the first time at 14. With Allison. That was her real name, by the way.
May 5th. The day two years ago that we lost the baby. I haven't mentioned it to Kerry. He won't remember that it's today, nor should he. I'm the date freak. I'm sad about remembering that time. But I am okay. Although I wish she had been, my little Sarah wasn't meant for this world. I remember Mom that day. How amazing she was to me and how much I needed her. Wow. A lot of emotion there. Lots of gratitude that I had such a loving Mom. And I know that Sarah was one of the ones who greeted Mom in heaven. How joyous that meeting must have been! That feels good. I think I'll end this paragraph with that.
May 5th. Cinco de Mayo. No big deal to me. But it's worth mentioning since tequila will flow across the globe today. :) None for me, though. I had my share and yours, too, during my drinking days.
Today is the anniversary of my beginning with Dr. Kat. My heart fills with emotion as I remember that day...and where I would be without her. God always provides, and has always provided, what I've needed...as I've needed it. And He surely knew that I needed her. The gritty pain of abuse, the tearing of one's identity, like swimming through mud. She helped me (and helps me) clear the waters and breathe.
We are all going to the Renaissance Festival today. We go every year, but this will be Zach's first Renaissance adventure. I can't wait. I love the friends that we're going with and I completely anticipate that we will have a blast.
Have a joyous May 5th.
Love to you.
Kim |
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